wildernize

verb: 1) to spend time in wilderness; 2) to devote one's thoughts to wilderness; 3) to be wild. e.g.) "please do not wildernize on the carpet"; "she wildernized while in the mountains"; "do not speak to him, he is wildernizing."

i did. i wildernized.
and i didn't want to come home.

i went camping not even very far away from my house, and it was barely even camping because we weren't even in tents. or at least i wasn't.
but it was so nice to get away from everything. from the stress, from trying to please everyone -- i just removed myself from humanity for a little while and it was wonderful to be alone with the waterfalls and the meadows and the pines. the biggest problem i had were mosquito bites, and the only thing i wondered was when dinner was going to be ready.
inspiration floated into my head like the pollen that tormented my mucus membranes. (fglyeagh.)
what a horrid metaphor to explain something so great.

too bad i came home and had to deal with everything again. the bitterness. the returns. the frustrations. the inevitable sense that i'm not good enough. i wanted so bad to turn around and go back the second we drove out of the canyon. and i got cell reception.
but i realized i can't run from my problems anymore. a break was nice, and more will be needed, but they won't banish my insecurities.
and, i realized i can't please everyone, so i shouldn't try. i want to be around those people who make me feel okay about being myself. and the only person whose good opinion matters in the end is God.

ah, prioritizing. soemtimes it takes some wildernizing to set it in motion.

wolves (song of the shepherd's dog) -- iron & wine

trains -- porcupine tree

the island -- the decemberists