this morning, i had so much to say. i was sitting at my apartment between classes eating a sandwich and thinking to myself i have so much to say on my blog because i haven't had a substantial post in quite some time omg omg i can't even wait to write and write all my deepest feelings and take 3 and a half hours to write it all out because i have so much freedom for so much computer for so much of my thoughts and deepest feelings that are so deep i will have so much to write so much deeply about i'd better not overburden my multitudes and multitudes of faithful readers with my deepness or depth and my emotions and my profoundness profundity? so i should keep it simple but i can't wait i just can't wait yaaaaaaaa
and then i went to biology class and sat and learned about the kingdoms and lost my erratic train of thought. er, rephrase. i still had my train of thought, a.k.a. frightening enthusiasm about this blog post, but the actual subject had slithered so slinkily back behind the silky screen of... (some synonym for "forgetfulness" that starts with an s.)
all alliteration aside, (hah!) i guess what i'm trying to say is that this post will probably be one of the normals. as in, i talk a little bit about college life and my future--maybe, if you're lucky, in a mildly satirical manner--make some cryptic but never explained references to my emotional state, some hastily-improvised psuedo-poetic descriptions of the weather, and some poorly-disguised but-still-sincere shout-outs to the friends and family who read this blog. (phew hyphens.)
so here i go.
college gets frustrating because it reminds me of all the things i want to learn about but will never be able to, only because of their sheer amount. i'd like to study latin and greek and french and russian and mandarin and spanish and zoology and piano and voice and graphic design and photography and history and sociology and art history and so many other things i don't even know the existence of yet. i think i'm going to love my major, but at the same time, i don't want to only focus on it. it's like an intellectual ADD--i want to learn everything but i can't. yesterday i went to a good friend's mission farewell, and the man who spoke after him gave a brilliant talk. he quoted a man named herbert simon, who introduced the concept of attention economics and said "a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention." his talk was all about how we need to narrow our focus on to the important things in life, which do not include tv and internet and meaningless time-wasters like blogs. :) and i agree, mostly on a spiritual level. but his talk made me realize how true that is even in a temporal sphere. here at byu i'm surrounded by information, hundreds of things i could potentially learn and study and spend years never getting to the heart of. it's tempting to take the learn-whatever-random-things-you-can-about-as-much-as-you-can. but then your education becomes two-dimensional. (hello high school?) a line of basics stretching from latin to zoology with no depth. i know depth in one or two concentrated fields will help me get further in life. but i can't help feeling a sense of loss at never being able to attain both breadth and depth in my studies. you know? oh goodness east of eden has a perfect quote about it... goshdangit internet let me find it.... internet fails me.... let's go to the old-fashioned print version of the book, heaven help us! okay. found it.
"'Old Sam Hamilton saw this coming. He said there couldn't be any more universal philosophers. The weight of knowledge is too great for one mind to absorb. He saw a time when one man would know only one little fragment, but he would know it well.'
'Yes,' said Lee from the doorway, 'and he deplored it. He hated it.'
'Did he now?' Adam asked.
Lee came into the room....'Now you question it, I don't know,' he said. 'I don't know whether he hated it or I hate it for him.... Maybe the knowledge is too great and maybe men are growing too small,' said Lee. 'Maybe, kneeling down to atoms, they're becoming atom-sized in their souls. Maybe a specialist is only a coward, afraid to look out of his little cage. And think what any specialist misses--the whole world over his fence.'
'We're only talking about making a living.'
'A living--or money,' Lee said excitedly. 'Money's easy to make if it's money you want. But with a few exceptions people don't want money. They want luxury and they want love and they want admiration.'
'All right. But do you have any objection to college? That's what we're talking about.'
'I'm sorry,' said Lee. 'You're right, I do seem to get too excited. No, if college is where a man can go to find his relation to his whole world, I don't object.'"
his whole world. my whole world. perhaps a selective attention is necessary. but i think, in all this semi-verbal thought-spilling i've realized something.
maybe i don't have the time or the money or the confidence or the ability to learn everything i want to learn about in my college years. nor do i have the time or the money or the confidence or the ability to prolong my college years indefinitely. but, i do have the time, and the money, and the confidence, and the ability to prolong my learning indefinitely. i may not get a degree in piano performance or classical philosophy or marine biology. but i can learn what i can in the time--my whole life--that's been given to me. and while i can only focus on those things that will bring me money or most interest or most personal fulfillment, i guess i've come to understand now that specialization, in the right mindset, does not equal intellectual confinement. it can, but then that depends on the person and their approach. somehow, i want to increase my attention to shoulder the load of a wealth of information. perhaps i can't learn it all. but i'll learn what i can.
marching bands of manhattan -- death cab for cutie
food is still hot -- karen o. and the kids
the nearness of you -- ella fitzgerald and louis armstrong
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