conversation tent

so i said goodbye to him yesterday. i think i was one of the last people he texted before he was set apart: he told me a song and an album to listen to and i told him i loved him and now he's leaving for two years and it's finally sinking in. barely.
goodbyes are so strange. i said it, but it was about all i could say. when it came down to it. what does one say at a goodbye? i planned it and i knew all the things i should say and that would be best to say and that i wanted to say and it came and it left and all i could do was say things i can't even remember now and i can think of all the things i wanted to say and should have said and would have been best to say but he's gone. and everything reminds me of him and i'm thinking "this is pathetic, it's one guy, how will i be able to hold up when they're all gone? i won't have the one i go to when i'm bored. i won't have the one i go to to talk about books and music. i won't have the one to go to when i need to be cheered up. i won't have the one to go to when i want a laugh." and then i'm thinking "i can write them, tell them all about my days and the things i do and ask them about the things they do and wait for the mailman and write letters to my heart's content but then they'll take days or weeks to travel the distances and old news will become older news and sometimes they won't write and maybe i'll be forgotten. but i'll write them and i'll still get their awkward humor and weird stories and see their handwriting and try and write things to make them laugh and it will be okay." it will be okay. but then i think "then they'll come back and they'll get married, all of them, to different girls and have separate lives and so will i and it will be good and also be sad because they are my best friends."
and then i just think, "change is hard."

but the worst part is i'm so FREAKING proud of them.

gah. i'm preparing the brownies. maybe i'll start writing his first letter tomorrow in anthropology.

other news.
nothing damaged in my room. it just smells REALLY questionable. and my desk might be broken. and i think i lost a cardigan. but don't worry. it killed the spiders under my bed. GO SILVER LINING!
this one and another choir friend wrote a FANTASTIC concerto and performed it tonight and i heard it. gosh those steinways are magnificent. and so are they who played upon them.
conversation tents are creepin. and sweltering. and awkward. and hilarious.
the odyssey is not a short book.
finals will not be easy.
papers are not easy either.
i hate flourescent lights more than most things.
i have not been getting enough sleep. or homework done.
christmas break will be a welcome reprieve. even if i am getting my wisdoms out.
junk mail is the worst.
future roommate plans are THE BEST.

i can't think of a way to end this gracefully. i'll just miss him, and miss all of them, i guess.
darn old music. it's not making me feel any better about all this. but... it kind of is.
go "60s and 70s and those like it" playlist.
nothing's better or sadder.

suite: judy blue eyes -- crosby, stills & nash

green river -- ccr

dream a little dream of me -- the mamas & the papas