why i will never get married

some girls positively chafe at the phrase "one of the guys." i remember watching super-cool preteen television shows when i was growing up (shh you all did it) and inevitably there would be at least one episode in which the main conflict involved the female protagonist being told by her close guy friend (who she was inevitably in love with) that she was just "one of the guys." throughout the duration of the episode, said protagonist usually vented to her best girlfriend about it, thought deeply and vocally about all that phrase implied, and became depressed at the prospect of never being considered, well, not one of the guys? i was always a little confused on what the opposite of that accusation would be. one of the girls? whatever.
but anyway. i was also always confused on why being one of the guys was a bad thing. in fact, that's kind of what my whole existence consisted of in those days. guys are more fun than most girls anyway, so being "one of them," to me, meant that you were fun. besides, if that label ensured you got to spend more time with the guy you like anyway, what was wrong with it? isn't that kind of the purpose of liking someone anyway? plus, the guy always realizes in the end how much he likes the girl even if she is one of the guys, so how bad could it really be?
that, my friends, is why i'm never getting married.
you see, while my maturity and trust in television may have changed over the years, my views on this matter have not. in fact, i must admit that when i'm told i'm just "one of the guys," i almost feel kind of proud, like it was a compliment. i think it all goes back to the olden days, when my brothers were free to run around and play catch with whomever they wanted and play football at recess and hit people in the heads with sticks, and i wasn't because i was a girl. i was banned from pokemon battles, from fort-building endeavors, from hunting expeditions -- all because i wore a dress to church on sunday instead of pants. so on those occasions when i was permitted by the neighbor boys to accompany them in their explorations or sports games or pokemon battles, i was exhilarated. being one of the guys was my fondest wish, back then, and it wasn't until later that i started realizing i wasn't quite normal in that.
while the rest of the girls my age were discovering how to do their hair and precisely which trite, coy phrases to plug in during flirting opportunities, i was still in the backyard playing punt return and collecting baseball cards and reading a lot of books. very suddenly, one day, i realized if i ever wanted to get a date in high school, i would have to do something. usually, i think, that sentence would be followed by a terrible story about a girl who tragically compromises her own interests and sense of self-worth for the approval of the masses, and once she discovers that she doesn't even know herself anymore, she will either overdose at one of those raves she's been pressured to attend or jump of a bridge or conclude in some other heart-wrenching, didactic way. luckily, i have reason to hope my story's progressing better. i tried to be a girl for about a year, but saw little improvement in my social standing, and a rather large increase in my awkwardness, as it seemed that i decided to be a girl much too late in life and everyone else was miles ahead of me in the race. but after i found friends who didn't much care if i didn't listen to rihanna or curl my hair every morning, i just went back to being regular. a slightly more feminized version of my regular self, but still fairly hopeless.
because, i must admit, most of my friends ended up being guys. and i wasn't like those skanks who had armies of guy friends following after them wherever they went just because they were interested to see who she would make out with next, and because she stabbed all her girlfriends in the back -- no, i really was just "one of the guys."
the thing is, i like doing things that guys do. i like watching sports, i like doing stupid things, and i like getting dirty (stop it stop you know what i mean). i eat a lot and am proud of it. i'd rather be considered tough than cute. my idea of showing off for the opposite sex involves trying to be both as intelligent and as funny as possible. in many ways, i think girls are unfathomable and silly. i consider being called a wimp one of the most offensive insults. when i get mad, my first instinct is to hit or shout at whoever is being the idiot.
now, those have their limits. i still like to dress up and to look pretty and watch chick flicks and wear makeup and have slumber parties and giggle and smell nice and shave my legs and all that stuff. but those girls on the tv shows understood the problem. guys want to date girls. like, girl girls. i mean, i'm a girl, but i'm a girl that acts like a guy a lot of the time.
so until i find a guy who realizes that he'd rather marry a best friend (no matter how boyish) than a flawless, fragile, super-female, i'll probably be alone.
ah well.
at least i don't go to raves.

prelude for time feelers -- eluvium

green river -- ccr

the ruminant band -- fruit bats