humbug.

well. my favorite clothing store ever (modcloth) is having a contest (click here to get there) to win $$$ to buy clothing and such from their site. the hook? you have to be grateful. publicly. something completely unheard of in today's society. kudos to you, modcloth, for taking the initiative to help create a better world. well, a morally and fashionably better world, anyway.
so now comes the hard part. the part where i say who i'm grateful for and why. normally, i would think of my parents, or my teachers, or my best friends, or someone else belonging to the set that has changed my life for the better. but strangely, the first person that came to mind when i read it is the person i am least happy with right now.
a few weeks ago, one of my very best friends hurt me more than anyone else ever has. it was the classic example of high school girl stabs other high school girl in the back, multiple times, with serrated knife, laughs as high school girl writhes on the floor, and forces crippled homeless seven-year-old child come clean up the mess. and the situation was even uglier than it sounds.
the worst part was, she couldn't fathom how what she did could have hurt me. she maintained it was an overreaction on my part. i maintained it was apathetic heartlessness on her part. and so the smoke of war hung over our heads as we bitterly ignored one another, cyber-exploded to each other's phone numbers, and held our noses high, like so many women have before us, and so many women will after us.
to make a rather long story short, we met, and talked it over. and it did not go well. i told her i forgave her, and i thought i had, but truly, during those three a.m. soul-baring moments, i knew i hadn't. not completely.
however, it's coming. it wasn't an aha! moment like i had hoped it would be, or a dramatic emotional breakdown where i knew it would all be okay between us, but a gradual process. things aren't --and i don't know that they will ever be-- the same. it's a hard, humbling education, but i'm learning. i'm learning that being proud will not solve anything, and being bitter does nothing but sour yourself.
so, though she (and my ensuing bitterness) hurt me, i have to thank her for this lesson. it's one of the hardest one's i have had to learn, but it's taught me about myself, like all good lessons should. i'm grateful for the opportunity to know for certain what i want in a true friend. i'm grateful for those true friends who have stood by me through all this, and who have told me straight up when i make stupid decisions. i'm grateful to have someone in my life who cares that i hate them! (that sounds so unbearably ego-centric and selfish. but really, if you think about it, it's better than the alternative. infinitely better. remember, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.) but, most of all, i'm grateful for the chance to forgive her. or rather, to experience the process of forgiving. because i won't deny i haven't made it there yet. though they always say the joy lies not in the destination but in the journey, i have a feeling, as my journey slowly becomes beautiful, that the destination will be even more exquisite.

even if it is sixteen days away, happy thanksgiving, everyone.